Archive for Marriage
Married..but Lonely
Originally posted on Christianity Today by Jeanette and Robert Lauer
“I thought I’d lost it,” said Billie, a wife of eight years. “I was in the grocery store check-out line. The man in front of me glanced back and smiled. He looked so kind. I had an overwhelming impulse to ask him to hug me. When I got to my car, I burst into tears. I finally had to admit how lonely I felt.”
“I’m tired of feeling alone,” Diane, who’s been married 14 years, commented. “My husband, Ben, is into everything. He has a ball game or a meeting nearly every night. If he’s home he’s on the phone talking over strategies for the next game or meeting. He has time for everyone except me.”
“If friends and colleagues were enough,” Kim, a wife of 10 years, complained, “I wouldn’t have married. I want a husband. I want someone who’s with me, who can share my life on a daily basis.”
No one expects it to happen. Marriage is supposed to prevent loneliness, isn’t it? Unfortunately, it doesn’t.
In our work with couples we’ve frequently heard the same kind of complaint: “I’m married, but I’m lonely.” We all crave the physical and emotional intimacy of a spouse who’s really there for us. When this doesn’t happen, frustration, hurt, and anger mingle with feelings of betrayal. “What’s the point of being married,” as Billie put it, “if you have to go looking when you need someone?” And the longer those feelings of loneliness exist, the stronger the possibility that a spouse will look outside the marriage for support, affection, companionship, and love.
What are some ways to battle marital loneliness?
Analyze your situation
If you’re feeling lonely, ask yourself:
- What’s going on in my marriage that makes me feel lonely?
- Is this a short-term situation I can live with or a long-term situation that needs to change?
- Answering these questions can save you from falling into several traps.
(1) Blaming yourself. Both Billie and Diane initially felt guilty about their loneliness. Billie was certain that her painful loneliness meant that she had somehow failed. And Diane felt like an ingrate when she complained about a husband who was faithful, family-oriented, and involved in worthy activities. She thought she needed to change the way she felt. But her feelings weren’t the problem; they were a signal that she needed to change her circumstances.
(2) Blaming your spouse. Billie blamed Steve for being self-absorbed and cutting her out of his life. Yet she missed the real source of his behavior—depression rooted in a business venture at the edge of failure. In this case blaming didn’t help the situation.
(3) Thinking your marriage is doomed or at least condemned to mediocrity. Such thinking only deflects you from the task of finding a workable solution.
Create an action list
Answer these questions:
- What changes would alleviate my loneliness?
- What can I do, and what can my spouse do, to bring about these changes?
Write a list of the kinds of activities and changes that will relieve your loneliness. Ask yourself if the items are realistic. It’s not realistic, for example, to expect a personality change. It is realistic to ask for extra effort. Although an introvert won’t become an extravert, for instance, he can become more outgoing.
Next, ask if the suggested changes on your action list are sufficiently specific. Diane’s first effort—”We need to spend more time together”—was too general. She finally came up with more specific suggestions: “We need to spend time together each day—lingering over a cup of coffee after dinner, walking the dog around the block, or talking about the events of the day. And we need to go on dates at least twice a month.” The more specific, the better. For instance, saying, “I need you to be more communicative” is so general that your spouse may find it difficult to respond. But saying, “I need you share with me one feeling you have each day” is a specific request to which he can respond.
Discuss your list with your spouse
Once you have your list, share it with your spouse. This may not be easy. Billie found it difficult because Steve hates to talk about feelings: “He becomes defensive and then retreats into his shell. His message is clear: They’re your feelings—deal with them yourself.”What do you do if your spouse grows angry, defensive, or more withdrawn? Carefully explain the intensity of your feelings and how important it is for you to have his or her help in coping with your loneliness. But don’t blame your spouse. Your approach can be: “We have a problem. I feel disconnected from you and lonely,” not “You are a problem. You’re making me feel miserable.”
Work out an action plan
Negotiate the items on your list. As you discuss them, you may come up with some additional ones. Select several items and develop a plan of action. One item on Diane’s list was that Ben cut back on his activities. He agreed. So their plan of action called for Ben to limit his activities to Saturday morning Little League games and Thursday evening Boy Scout meetings. In response to another item on Diane’s list—more couple communication—they decided to reserve 30 minutes each evening to reconnect.As they negotiated, Diane realized that a part of her loneliness involved a need for personal growth. She’d become too dependent upon Ben, looking to him to fulfill all her needs. They agreed that she’d take an art class on Wednesday evenings while he stayed home with the children. Finally, they decided to reserve Friday nights as their date night.
Whatever the cause, you can attack marital loneliness if you work together. Be creative, knowing that the possibilities for a fresh start are endless. And if your spouse works with you, the effort will pay off in enhanced intimacy—the best remedy for marital loneliness.
The Secret Mind-blowing Actual Purpose of Marriage
Originally posted on Christianity Today by Mark E. Smith
I was invited recently to a wedding. My handsome young nephew, the groom, had a smile that could have lit up the universe as his gorgeous blond bride made her way down the aisle to join him in the bonds of matrimony. He was marrying the woman of his dreams, and it was all good. The problem was, like all young kids on their glorious wedding days, my man didn’t really know who he was marrying. If he did, he would have quietly slipped out the back of the church before he uttered those fateful words, “I do.”
I don’t know his beautiful new bride and my comments are in no way a slight on her character. I’m sure she’s a fine young woman who loves her new husband with a pure and sincere heart. But I know who she is: She represents the worst personal characteristics of my nephew’s parents miraculously and cleverly disguised in an appealing and lovely package.
I sat with the rest of the family and friends and watched as a lethal buzz saw headed down the aisle for a meeting with my handsome nephew, and he could not have been more cluelessly happy to embrace it. He had no fear or awareness of the danger he was in.
My friends, this is what marriage is—for all of us.
Marriage, by its very essence, is pain! Not a very romantic notion, I know. The truth is that we all have experienced some childhood wounding. This world of ours is an extremely flawed place and we all get our share of emotional bumps and bruises when we are tiny, unprotected, and vulnerable. Thankfully, complex, hurting, little human beings then have fortresses of powerful psychological defenses that rise up to provide integrity, protection, and safety. We learn to rationalize, cope, act out, devalue, intellectualize, idealize, deny, undo, disassociate, minimize, displace, project, repress, regress, and otherwise numb all the bad stuff out.
The purpose of our psychological defenses? To get us out of childhood in one functioning piece with the misguided impression that we’re all grown up now and we’re free to live our lives without any significant impact from Dad, Mom, and the rest of that bunch.
I wish that were true.
The truth is that our particular family dysfunction conspires to form and twist us into who we uniquely are—both good and bad. It even determines who you’re attracted to. Whatever wounding you repress from childhood develops and morphs into your love life type.
Part of that is that God desires for each of us to heal our deepest emotional wounds. So to do that, we’re pretty much stuck liking who we like. We’re intensely attracted only to lovers who are hidden versions of Dad’s and Mom’s worst and most hurtful traits. We all have 100 percent unfailing radar systems that draw us to the people who are so wrong for us that they’re right for us. It’s nature’s way. It’s the true meaning of love. It’s why the bad boys get the hot girls.
I was being facetious when I said that my nephew would slip out the back of the church if he knew the true meaning of the love that drew him to his bride. Like the rest of us, once he got a dose of the magic and energy of genuine early love, nothing could keep him away from his special girl. Love and marriage are worth the pain and the tremendous risks. Marriage is all about opportunities for healing, growth, depth, insight, forgiveness, maturity, and recovery.
Sadly, if you don’t understand that the pain of love and marriage is all about you and your childhood and not about your beloved, then you’ll probably miss out on the incredible opportunities for growth, lessons, and healing that love offers. No matter how your spouse hurts you, it’s ultimately about you and it’s good. There never has been nor there ever be a victim in love and marriage.
My prayer for my nephew and his bride is a life-long fulfilling relationship that enriches everyone their lives touch. There will be ruthlessly tough times though. It’s normal to have a really dysfunctional family and to ultimately have extremely serious marital problems. It’s all about embracing the work, embracing the pain, and finding out what’s laying deep in your gut when you embrace the cutting of the buzz saw.
The hundreds of couples I’ve worked with over counselor over the past 22 years who have gotten this concept have proactively healed, thrived, and blossomed into healthier and happier people. The vast majority of marriages were not only salvaged, they were rebuilt from the ground up into something truly solid and wonderfully special. But for the couples I worked with who didn’t get the mind blowing secret purpose of marriage—their divorce rates were astronomical. What’s worse, they left their marriages bitter, clueless, jaded, and full of anger to take out on the next hidden version of their unresolved issues that their unerring radars drew into their lives.
This isn’t a small truth. It isn’t psychobabble. It isn’t something that only applies to some people. This is about you. It applies to you if you’re headed to the altar for the first time as a 24 year old; it applies to you if you’re in your early 40s and are desperately lonely and unhappy in your marriage; it applies to you if you’re still looking for the good stuff in love in your 60s. It’s God’s way of healing us.
Marriage and relationships truly are all good. I encourage squeezing every ounce of insight, healing, and growth out of the pain and difficulties that the gift of your particular dysfunctional relationship graces you with.
Adultery Is Easy, Especially When You’re Busy
Originally posted on praisedc.com by Sharnell Blevins
This is the third article in a series about adultery.
Ok…what day is it? Friday Night…It’s time to partay…What time is it? Friday Night…It’s time to partay… Ok now you realize that I am singing this crazy song in my head. It might have no rhythm that you know but I am very excited that it is Friday!!! Another Friday, another week has gone by. And guess what? This was a great week. So, now it’s time to partay!
How do you party? Some people party one day a week. Others party several days a week. And, then there are some who party 7 days 24 hours a day. Whew! I don’t know how they do it. But, they do.
All of us at times have been the life of the party. We are so busy that we don’t know if we are coming or going. We are caught asking ourselves did I buy the bread that we need. I remember going to the store. But, did I buy everything on my list. Then we remember, oh wait a minute. I went to the store last week when we were out of milk but not this week when we need bread. So, off we go to the store to get bread. Then our cell phone rings to remind us that we have choir rehearsal tonight. Now, don’t forget that ministry leaders’ meeting is tomorrow. And, when we put all of that on our calendar, we see that usher board meeting is three days away. With all of that going on, how do we connect with our spouses? Let alone how do we connect with God?
Well, we don’t really. When we are so busy that we forget whether or not we picked up a loaf of bread, we are too busy to spend intimate time with God or our spouses. And, when we are too busy to spend intimate time with God or our spouses, we are committing adultery. Yep, you got that right adultery. As you know, adultery is committed when anything keeps you from fulfilling God’s purpose for marriage.
It’s all well and good to serve God in the church. But, if you are not first serving God by serving your spouse, you are out of order – you are committing adultery. In Ephesians 5:22 – 33, God outlines the way a husband and wife are to serve God by serving our spouses. God does not tell us in His word to forget about our spouses and lay them aside for worldly riches. In fact, in Matthew 6:24, God tells us that “no one can serve two masters. The person will hate one master and love the other, or will follow one master and refuse to follow the other. You cannot serve both God and worldly riches.”
God wants us to spend intimate time with our spouses. This is how we continue to learn, grow in, and cultivate our relationship. Our marriages are like gardens that need weeding, watering, fertilizing, and care. We are responsible for participating in the care of our marriages. God will ensure that we have all we need to ensure a Godly marriage.
What about those people who aren’t too busy? The ones who don’t really fill up their plates with stuff, what about them? Or, maybe they are busy but they are busy to hide from the responsibilities of marriage. Yes. There are some of us who don’t want to participate in our marriages. We don’t care if our spouse rises in the early morn or come home in the evening. We are just apathetic spouses. In the Merriam Webster dictionary, apathetic means to be having or showing little or no feeling or emotion, basically spiritless. A second definition is having little or no interest or concern or being indifferent. Being apathetic in your marriage means you have no passion.
Wow, having no passion. Why would one move away from passion? God created marriage to share in His gift of the rich emotion of passion. A marriage must have a little passion to survive. Passion is to have a deep interest or desire for something. Passion is what gets us tumbling around on the bed with our spouse. Passion is what keeps us up at all hours of the day and night enjoying our spouse. Passion is the intense feeling we get when we see our spouse coming through the door. Passion is the sexual desire that we have for our spouse. God did not create marriage to have no passion.
To read the rest of this article visit: http://praisedc.com/adultery-is-easy-especially-when-youre-busy/
Friday Night Love At New Birth
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Bishop Joseph Walker III & Stephanie Hale Wedding Pictures
After months of waiting, Bishop Joseph Walker III & Stephanie Hale have released their wedding pictures to Essence.com. Check them out at: http://photos.essence.com/galleries/bridal_bliss_stephanie_and_joseph
Does Getting Married Seem Hopeless?
Essence Atkins and her husband Jaime Mendez. The couple met on Match.com and tied the knot on September 26, 2009.
Originally posted on CBN.com by Kathleen Hardaway
When was the last time you had a date, much less a relationship? Has life been some what of a disappointment because you never dreamed you would still be single? Single is a word you’ve grown to dislike because it describes a life you wish was someone else’s. A life that seems normal would be one with a husband or a wife, children, a house, maybe a dog and a cat.
Today I have a cat, but still no husband. I’m in my forties but my life is far from hopeless. Have I gone to all the wrong places, broken all The Rules (as the book suggests), simply missed it? I’m sure some would say, “She’s too picky, She’s not getting out enough, She can’t expect him to appear on her doorstep.”
Whatever the reasons, is it my fault? I’m choosing to believe that God is still in control of my life. Certainly, single or married we are to be the very best in every area of our lives. Keep striving to look your very best, be your very best, and live your very best. Don’t settle for less. Don’t settle at all. Try not to freak out about your age. I must admit, this can be challenging at times. Don’t let your age cause you to do something you regret.
You’ve probably heard horror stories about people who have said, “I just couldn’t wait any longer. But now I know I’ve made a horrible mistake rushing into marriage.”
Who likes to wait? I’ve never heard anyone say, “I love to wait.” Have you? Waiting at times can drive me crazy. I don’t like to wait in lines, wait in traffic, wait for my food to cook, or wait to purchase things. But waiting is a necessary part of life. We’re an instant society and we’ve grown to expect things when we want them.
But God says to wait on Him. “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD” Psalm 27:14. Frankly, a strong majority of folks don’t want to wait on God much for anything. God says we’re to wait to have sex prior to marriage
(I Thessalonians 4:3-7). How many are doing this? Not many. God says we’re not to marry an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). How many are waiting for a godly mate? Not many. God says, Wait on Him and His timing. So why don’t most people wait…because waiting is hard.If you’re not careful you can either choose the wrong mate or live life in utter frustration and despair. In all your waiting don’t give up on God. I’ve gotten a number of e-mails from people who have become bitter, angry, and very mad at God. I understand completely, but you must begin to change your thinking.
If you’re single and feeling God has forgotten you, what are your options? It’s profoundly simple. You have only one choice: trust God or don’t. I’m not suggesting that anything about this is easy. It’s not. I’ve been there. You feel terrible. You’re not happy where you are and you would like a change. You cannot base your life on what you feel. You feel lousy. You’re not happy and you would like to be married, plain and simple.
Will you continue to feel lousy or will you put your trust in God? Hang on to the truths from God’s Word, not the lies from the evil one. Lies that tell you you’ll always be single. Lies that whisper in your ear and in your heart that you cannot be happy without a mate. Lies that haunt you and tell you that your life is hopeless because you’re single. What kind of life is that anyway? Lies – Lies -Lies…
The true and living God gives us reason for getting out of bed. His refining process can be very painful. He uses trials so that we will put our trust and our hope in Him alone, not in someone else. I urge you to choose to be better not bitter.
Hang on to these words…
Trust…
“God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28).
Divorced, never married, widowed, whatever the reason for your singleness, you can trust God that He can use you where you are today for good.
Hope…
“I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his Word I put my hope (Psalm 130:5).
He is your only hope. Cling to His Word. Don’t give up. Don’t lose heart. Don’t waste any more time feeling sorry for yourself. Live for today; live in the moment. I love what Jim Elliott said, “Wherever you are be all there.” Too often many singles miss life, simply waiting for the day they’ll get married. You’re missing too much life if you’re doing this. You’ve been given a purpose. You’ve been given gifts. You’ve been given life. Live it. Live it believing God for the impossible, for His best.
Believe…
“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible’” (Matthew 19:26).
Will you ever get married? Is it hopeless? Absolutely not. Nothing is impossible with God. No matter your age, your situation, your fears, trust Him. Put your hope in Him. And believe Him moment by moment, day by day, and your joy will be back in your life as you continue to walk with Him believing He knows what’s best for your life today.
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April 25 – May 2, 2010
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